observing · the · world · over, · and · I · find · that · dandelions · are · a · darling · thing

12/27/2006 -

What an interesting thing to think about. In The Time Traveler's Wife, whenever the main character, Henry, time-travels, he is naked - he cannot bring anything with him. On Christmas Eve, Uncle Joe was complaining to everyone about how I called him a miser. Aunt Roe then said, "You can't take it with you." When she said that, I got a rush and for a moment I wanted to give away all of my possessions and pass naked and pure through time. Unfortunately, in this generation of human beings, that isn't the most practical idea. But really, of what importance is practicality in the grand scheme of things? Does practicality answer to time? I think it does. Everything answers to time. Time conquers all. How low must we be on the totem pole of the universe if we answer to things like each other, to employers, to school, to government, to religion. But then what does religion answer to? Humans. What does time control directly? I doubt that any of us will ever truly understand time in all of its greatness and simplicity. That's not to say we won't try very hard anyway.
What does it mean when one "spends" time doing something? As though time were some sort of current that could be stuffed in a wallet. I don't like that at all - it belittles time. It degrades it. It pulls Time down to the human level, which it does not deserve. Is time just a human concept? It can't be. Everything, living and non-living, is subject to time. And time is infinite. And everything is occurring all at the same time, forever and always. So I suppose there could be fate, but on a giant scale.

I've been thinking a lot about spirituality and philosophy lately. In a book I've been reading recently, it said that one should take time to "write [their] own bible." That caused me to start thinking about my own beliefs and view of the world and life. How would I organize my Bible? What would I call it? What topics would I cover in it? Do I believe anything strongly enough to write something with such a sacred nature? I really.. don't have any true convictions, I don't think. Does that make me less of a person? Does that make my life less meaningful? Not really.
But there must be something I believe in. Is there anything that I would do or stick by until the end of my days? I don't think so. I would love to say honesty, but even I am not truly honest sometimes, although I wish I was. I wonder what the universe would be like if everyone and every thing were honest. I wonder when the first lie in the entire universe was, and who committed it. Can animals lie? Can nature? Why are humans by far the best lying beings and why is it a bad thing to lie? WHy is a good thing to be honest and "tell the truth." Truth. That's a whole different can of worms.
So, back to my Bible. So, I got to thinking about the deep questions posed and answered in the Bible, and I began to wonder, "how would I personally answer those questions?"

What is Beauty?

What is beauty? What is beautiful? What is this concept so important to us? Why does the image of beauty change between cultures? Does it have to do with their belief systems? Their traditions? The current state of living? Presently in my culture, beauty is a stick thin model. But years ago in Africa, being a very large woman was a symbol of femininity and fertility, and those values were viewed as beautiful. At the height of the Greek civilization, worldly, muscular men were seen as beautiful, and wholesome, curvy, full-bodied women were beauitful. I think I love this image the best out of all the beauty body image types I have heard of. I think that women who represent the Goddess in all her forms is the most beautiful: the maiden, the mother, and the crone. It should have nothing to do with actual appearance.
Experiencing the phases of life is beautiful enough. But it is true - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What I find beautiful another person might completely disagree with. And I know it sounds a little too cheery-sunshine, but I really do try and find beauty in everyone. There is a definite difference between attractiveness and beauty. I am attracked to a visually-pleasing person. But beauty is something that evokes an emotion - makes you feel that emotion that doesn't have a name when you're queasy with awe love, and respect for life, and the universe at that moment in time.

For some reason one of my goals in life, it seems, is to have people learn about me and to open myself to the world. That is part of the reason why I write in journals. I hate, hate hiding things about myself. It just doesn't feel right. And yet it feels like if someone years after my death pickued up and read my journals, would they really understand the essence of me? Do I even understand the essence of me? Probably not.

*

I understand that there are many different natures of friendships, but I hope that I have some friendship sthat last longer than a few years. Dad's friendships were phenomenal, but that is because they all remained in the black hole that is Suburbia. And even now, they're dying off, and moving South for warmer wearther. How utterly depressing. What will happen in my future? Will I lose touch with my college friends? With my graduate school friends? Will I be forced to be superficial friends with whomever I happen to be neighbors with in the end? With Grandma, she outlived all of her closest friends, and ended up being friends with people around the black and ladies she met at thelibrary.

*

In my life, I have been called an observer many times. I would agree that I am - I observe much more than I act. Sometimes I wonder whichis the better way of living life. Most of the time I wish that I could just have more of a balance between observing and acting. I do keep myself out of trouble, and I do notice a lot of things that others don't, but I also don't experience a lot that others do. Oh, well. That's me.

*

I realized something a little while ago - on my next birthday, I will be turning twenty years old. Twenty! As in I've been alive for almost twenty years. WOw. And a fourth of my life is gone already. And it even feels like my life is already over sometimes. I wonder if I've passed my prime. Or maybe I will never have a prime, and perhaps I will just travel through, floating, even, and never truly feel that I've connected with my life. And then sometimes it feels as though my life has not even yet begun to pass. But maybe I will spend my life waiting for my life to really start. And then what? Why am I waiting for my life to start? Or maybe that is what life is all about: waiting for something else other than the present to be happening.

*

Do I miss my home? I don't really know. Aunt Roe brought up a point the other night when I was ranting and raving to her as I usually do, and she said, "who knows how long you'll be going back to that house for?" Then it hit me: there will be a time in the not-too-distant future, when I will leave that house. I may visit but that's it. It'll become the house I grew up in. And I'll drive past it one day and it will look completely different to me, however the same it really is, and I'll point to it and tell my child, "oh! I lived there once." And maybe my child will stare at the house as we drive slowly past, and wonder what I was like at their age, and they'll ask me to tell funny stories about when I lived there. And what will I tell them? Where will I start? I wonder if I will ever have a child. Or if I'll ever even have a significant other. It just doesn't seem right to me - being with someone.. Or am I too independent? I've only really gone out with one person, and I never really thought I was missing much. It seemed like whenever people went out, they changed.

*

In my bedroom at home, the sun has always risen. And in my dorm room in Mount Washington last year, it rose. And this year, in my new room in F Tower, the sun also rises. I hope for my entire lifetime I sleep in a room where the sun rises.

I am in a very strange mood right now. I've been thinking a lot about things lately. Then again, when am I not?
I've been wondering about the world and how it works. And interactions with people. When did I become so optimistic about life? I used to be such a cynic. Am I too idealistic about the world? About people? Do I have too much faith in everyone? Should I stop trying to see the bit of good about people and see them for who they truly arer? Does my idealism set me up for disappointment? Should I change my ways?
Am I introverted? Do I live more for the future than the present? Do I dwell on the good past experiences, denying to myself that things, many things, have changned?
I have lost touch with so many friends, and the ones that I still have... most of them don't treat me very well. Or don't even think about me. And I go so out of my way for these people... just beceause I care about them and I like them. Normally I would do things for people without even expecting any sort of repayment, but sometimes it bothers me to not be appreciated. Eh, I'm sure that I am appreciated, but people just don't think to express their appreciation often.
What else is bothering me? I have no experiences. When people ask me what I do with my time, what is my answer? Reading. "Hanging out." I don't do anything. All I do is think, like I am right now. I feel as though I am always missing out on something, but at the same time it seems that I'm very afraid to not be very smart and intelligent, and if I slack off at all, I might "lose it." I am also cautious. Am I too cautious? I think so. I am barely ever spontaneous. And even my spontaneity is calculated, if that makes any sense. I don't think I'm really living my life.
I have also been thinking a lot lately about children and raising them. I used to tell everyone that I would be a psychiatrist - that changed. I used to say that I wouldn't get married or have children - is my idea about that changing also? Is that so-called motherly instinct beginning to kick in? I've always had a nurturing, caring nature, but I've never applied it to how I would raise my own child. The thought of having an entire life growing inside of me is sort of terrifying and gives me that panicky feeling of vertigo like when I think about the blurry past or two things at once. But at the same time, I do want to embody the Goddess, don't I? And take on the earth and experience all of her cycles: life, death, days, seasons, menstruation, development, learning, loving, growing, moon phases... everything is a cycle, a spiral. How beautiful it is to be the mediation, the cause of transition from no life to pure existence. To have the opportunity to enrich a life not your own, to pour all of your knowledge of the world into another soul, and to watch their eyes light up - beacons of knowledge and understanding. I only hope that I could be as great a parent as my dad. His entire life was for my life. Could I be that selfless? Would I ever be ready to give up my growing life for someone else? Perhaps our life doesn't really stop with children, just moves in a different direction. Could I handle a change like that? And why am I thinking about this now? I am nineteen years old, with a long life ahead of me. But as I've seen, life moves fairly quickly. This doesn't mean I need to rush things, it just means that I should make sure that my existence is saturated with as much life as possible...

Maybe it's the weather..
it's been raining on and off for almost two weeks straight, and as much as I love rain, I really think it's getting to me. I've really been craving affection lately, both emotionally and physically. Or maybe the physical desire is only because I'm desperate for anything. I don't know. I'm in such a state right now I can't describe, and I don't like it at all. I'm not used to being down, it doesn't really happen to me that often. Whatever.

I have been thinking a lot about gender lately because of my American Experience class. What is gender? Is it strictly the scientific "plumbing" of a person? I think maybe all things have a balance of both genders, which is what makes them neutral (inanimate objects or organisms), and maybe when a being is either male or female, that balance is disrupted. What would life be like if people had no gender? How would people behave? How would they go about their day? What purpose in life would they work toward? What if their were no gender roles, no gender stereotypes? Would I like being gender-less? Do I take pride in being specifically my gender? Do I enjoy my gender role that has been given to me by society? How would I feel if I couldn't use the excuse, "well, I'm a girl." The Druids believe in energy, as do I. Female energy is absorptive, and male energy is expansive, which is why they segregated the sexes during ritual practice and training - they wanted concentrated energy and power, they did not want any movement of energy from male to female, and disrupt their ultimate goal. And yet the union of male and female energy at the Beltane festival produces enough energy to keep the earth going for another year. Male and female energies compliment each other. The Chinese also understand this idea with Yin and Yang. It has been forever noted that there are distinct differences between males and females. But is there really? And what does it matter if there is? SHould we continue to cater to these alleged differences, or should we bridge the gap between black and white and make ourselves a gender-less race? Do we need a balance between being distinctly different, and exactly the same? They say opposite energies attract, but similar energies also attract. The woman is seen as the Goddess, the maiden, the mother, and the crone. But what is the man seen is? The woman was given the gift of the ability to create life from no life. Is that fair to males? Do males have some life equivelant? Yes, they provide the sperm, the stamen that germinates the pistol, but it's not the same thing. Are males and females unequal in that respect? And if so, how could a universe of balanced, coexisting energy allow for this disequilibrium to occur?

So, it has only been three plus months since I've posted something in my livejournal. I suppose it just gets annoying when I write in my regular journal and then need to type it up afterward. My paper journal always comes first.

There are so many things that have become such a part of my life that I don't even notice them. So many things have changed over the year, and so many things have happened. I moved away from home for the first time ever, and although I don't feel guilty about it, I believe I was the catalyst for the rapid downfall of our little family. Do I regret going away for school and leaving my family behind? Do I regret not being able to spend more time with my dad and grandma while I had the chance? Not exactly. I believe that if I was home while everything was happening, it may have had a different effect on my sanity. By having this distance, I was slightly disconnected from the suffering that I could have been experiencing right along with them. I think that dad and grandma are both fully scattered among the world and its being and have greatly contributed to the larger way and vasy knowledge of the universe. It's strange to think that a year ago they were both alive. But what can I do except my own thing? And I know they understand everything. And they are now privy to all the knowledge of the universe - lucky bastards. I wish I could learn that much in one single lifetime. But I don't mind if it takes longer. And I am not ashamed by anything I do. I don't want to hide anything from them.

So what is bothering me?
my friends and their inconsiderateness and stupidity and irresponsibility
being inadequate with my schoolwork
unapologetic, heartless professors
dumb professors
every single person drinking, smoking and having sex all the bloody time
hormones raging- both mind and everyone else's
the disparity in how I see myself and appreciate myself and how others do
Harry's success at completely shutting himself out of my life, or shutting me out of his
people being useless
having a truly difficult time finding slightly intelligent conversation
having a childish, anxiety-ridden uncle
when people tell me one thing and do something the complete opposite

Hopefully I will maintain this online journal almost as well as my paper-and-pen one.
There is a quote from The Lady of Avalon that I found to be interesting today:

"What existed in the beginning?
Try to imagine - an emptiness,
a gaping nothing? A teeming womb,
pregnant with the world?
If you can imagine it, already it existed
in potentional, and yet it was like
nothing you can imagine, for it was
the Force, it was the void.
It Was, it was Not.. an eternal, changeless
Unity..."

I have a mild obsession with Burt's Bees products so I purchased a few more things today at the bookstore, as well as Discover magazine and the Scientific American Special Edition: A Matter of Time.
My chemistry test this morning was less than pleasant, but not horrendous.
I found out that my mom needs a historectomy. She said on the phone simply, "You weren't itching for any new brothers or sisters were you?" Goodness no!
Lately I've been really missing Euclid (my car). Even Hobbits got to travel the Bree and Farthing and so on.
I've basically stopped going to any clubs that I usually go to because there is too much drama and nothing productive or creative ever gets done. This school is one of the most unmotivated places I've ever seen. Even more unmotivated than Suburbia, USA. Is that even possible?
I've been reading the required text for my Crisis Intervention class, and although most of it is just repititious crap, there are a few good points:

"Grief work involves achieving emancipation from the deceased, readjusting to the changes in the environment from which the loved one is missing, and developing new relationships... If the normal process of grieving is delayed, negative outcomes of crises will develop."
"A little help, rationally directed and purposefully focused at a strategic time, is more effective than more extensive help given at a period of less emotional accessibility."

I suppose that's all for now.
Tata.